From the pristine beach with the sound of the waves, I see the trees and the path into it. I wander in and sense the tallness of the trees, the sun searing through the canopy, the crispiness underfoot and the insects buzzing around in the still heat.
I’m now with my Dad walking along the stream in Cumbria, it bubbling noisily over the rocks and edges, the tree-lined path and us meandering along, enjoying the coolness of the air it brings. It’s a lovely heart-warming memory. Then the pool appears and Dad dissolves, the deafening sound of the waterfall dominates and it’s spray cools my face and shoulders. The pool infront becomes increasingly still. It is deep, so deep, and cool and clear. Unbearably clear. I am afraid. I seek support and ask for Geshe-La to come. He does, of course. He smiles and in his monk-smallness, is immense. I feel safe. We speak without words as I undo my fear of the pool. I am fighting with my thinking mind. He holds my hand and stands at my side.
Eventually we sit, and dangle our feet into the water. I am scared of what’s below, what I can’t see, what may hurt my feet or pull me in to drown helplessly and alone in the waters. Geshe-La; Guru Sumati Buddha Heruka, Avalokiteshvara, Great Mother Prajnaparamita, Vajrapani, Tara, Manjushri, He who was all of them, lovingly explained I need not be afraid of who I am. This is what is there, simply my truth.
I realise I am them. They are me. I look at my feet still swinging in the waters and I see.
I see that the other words of the previous meditative visit to this pool, describing the diamond (as faithfulness, love, purity, clarity, hope and abundance, seeking a meaningful life), were the description of the pool itself, and not my essence within it. I find that I need to dive in, to trust, to go deep. “Don’t leave me” I keep saying, and He keeps saying with such patient love, “I’m here”. I feel the love.
We gently slide in, side by side.
We now are swimming down and down and down, like mermaids, into the depths of this coolest, clearest pool. The ‘meditating me’ has bodily experiences, of changes from solidity to lightness. I feel my actual body letting go; of awareness of heated areas, of joint stiffness. I get a pressure across the bridge of my nose at times. Right-sided heaviness sticks for a while; but it feels like my trust clears this, bringing balance, and cleansing what manifests as physical pain and mental discomfort. Then, my actual body sitting here meditating, takes a series of quick deep breaths, like it’s making a shift in energy and no longer needs air. I now see the most massive and intense light – like that of the fire from the welder’s iron. Indescribable blue, pink, yellow, oozing at speed out of the rock face in the depths. It envelops me. It absorbs me. I absorb it. It nourishes, enhances, cleanses. Geshe-La is still there, and we are all one. I realise this.
There is now somewhere even deeper to go that is a beautiful land. But it is not a place of concept to be understood down here. So we find it’s vision once we step out of the waters having timelessly risen upward to the surface, where momentarily I floated in peaceful joy.
As I sat fresh, healthy, youthful, naked and cleansed on a smooth rock in the clearing, I saw how the lands were now vast and beyond stunning. Now I AM Geshe-La and all the Buddhas and everyone and everything.
We are all one.
I realise this. I am never alone. You are never alone.
We are connected in a Celestine-like aura of love.
My vision then changes to the particular, a sunny messy garden full of toys. I am confused by this in this purity of landscape and feeling. But it is not out of keeping with this, as it seems to be the place I can meet people? The person, the individual. Seeking the way to this PureLand.
I ask for words to describe my essence and what my heart truly wants to offer to this world. I struggle to accept and think I am forcing what I sense, into my vision. They say things like ‘invitation’, ‘play’, ‘creativity’, ‘peace’ ‘connection’ and ‘compassion’. Then HEALING comes through with strength. I am surprised thinking this was the aspect of me I was leaving behind in my ordinary world. It says ‘PERSONAL AND GLOBAL HEALING’.
It also says, as I focus more on the meaning of the garden element, ‘I SEE YOU’, ‘SEER’ and ‘VISIONARY’. Ooh, this is hard for my ordinariness to accept, though my deep-innerness feels acknowledged.
It then reminds me of the writing I did just yesterday, where in remembering my childhood, I recalled that I have always ‘seen’ and felt, others. And believed in goodness. I and others name it my compassion, empathy, strength, wisdom, intuition, being a voice for the voiceless. Less positively it became named or expressed in strong opinions, as hippyish, feeling odd/different, being idealistic, and at it’s darkest moments, as despondency, depression and a mistrust of the world.
What I see now is that SEEING OTHERS is all of these aspects of me all at once, and that my purpose has always been to bring harmony and understanding in some way i.e.. to mediate change, to enable empathy to the other’s position, to heal – the distress, discord, suffering, pain, loneliness, hunger, lostness of anyone and everyone. Human, animal and beyond. Whatever we look like, we are beings, who all hurt and can love.
I heard the words ‘healing the one, heals all’.
Momentarily I wondered if my purpose should be continuing to be that ‘voice of the voiceless’, as I still get so passionate about this? But I see that this, in the way I have been doing this admirably and with commitment, heart and purpose up to this point in my life, has now passed. It is IN my essence, but the way I need to express this has changed, to better focus through healing myself, I naturally heal everyone.
Because I am you. You are me. We are the worlds we create.